The Agony in the Garden is one of my favorite mysteries of the rosary. The inner struggle between doing what's right vs. doing what's easy is pretty easy for me to relate to- every day. Who doesn't struggle with that? I feel closer to Jesus when I know he's been there- and decided to choose love- for me.
I'll admit, making this bead, based on the famous Betende Hände (Praying Hands) by Albrecht Dürer, was a bit out of my league. I don't have any formal art training besides pottery in high school where I mainly fooled around...and got out of serious subject matter like calculus (I know, I'm a shining example to my children and a product of public school). But this bead has some serious shading going on and I was lost at many points, wishing I had training in painting and drawing.
I did my best with these fingers first:
but when it came time to do the rest of the hands, I drew a blank. It took me a good week and half to decide I needed to just jump in and do something- anything. After all, the bead would be a tenth of the size of the original by the end- no one will be able to see my mistakes!
The whole bead took all of January to complete, so don't think I'm super mom! I worked on it a little at a time when I would get an hour or 30 minutes here or there. It was a nice repose from all my mothering duties.
By the end, the bead got too big (my husband says, "That's what you always say." but this time, it was really true) and it made things a little complicated as far as finding enough clay to fill it in and reducing the mammoth. I need to be a little more accurate in scaling my beads. Thankfully, it reduced all right.
I added the moon and stars to the symbol to tell the story a bit (since the Agony was at night) and the three drops of blood to be a reminder of the of the blood that was sweat. The hands of course, are for those intense moments of prayer and to remind us to take time to pray- especially when it's hard and we'd rather be sleeping like the apostles!
One cool thing- I think some of the beads look as if the hands are holding the moon and the stars or that the hands are creating the moon and the stars. It reminds me of Psalm 8, "When I look at the heavens, the works of your fingers, the moon and stars which you have established, what is man that you are mindful of him and the son of man that you care for him? Yet you have made him little less than the angels, crowned him glory and honor...Oh Lord, our Lord, how majestic is your name in all the earth!"
Many of you may have heard about the amazing ministry called Mary's Shelter. What amazes me the most and continues to amaze me, is that this was started by some Catholic homeschooling moms and it continues to be run mostly by Catholic homeschooling moms! The shelter houses pregnant moms who have nowhere else to turn. They help these women find jobs, get educated and back on their feet. They not only house the women, they house all the women's other kids too. The houses have gotten pretty full and now they have four houses (I believe) for all the women and children.
The women come from all over- in the state and out of state because Mary's Shelter reputation has spread from all the life changing work they do.
It's run on shoe string budget- really. I saw the numbers at the last soiree, and it's unbelievable what they do with so little. Go figure with all the Catholic homeschooling moms running it who are used to running large households on a shoe string budget!
Right now, they are having a matching funds campaign until February 14. It's called matching hearts and you can learn more about it on their web page. Please consider donating- even a small amount for this special campaign. It's the first campaign they've had like this and it's important that they do well with it. Thank you!
My mom came down from Minnesota to visit with us for a week. It was sure nice to have her help around the house! My favorite part about her visit was watching her play with the kids and just enjoy their company and of course, hold the baby!
Playing "May Flowers" (leaving anonymous flowers and knocking on the door and running away is fun to do over and over and over again)
We had a little birthday party for Analee since Mom won't be here for her actual birthday
Other than mom's visit, we really haven't emerged into society. I think number four is putting me at my limit as far as mommy abilities go. I laid awake one night after nursing Faustina, thinking about all the things left undone and feeling pretty cruddy about myself when a 'duh' moment came to me. I have had 4 kids in six years. The number seemed unbelievable at four in the morning and I had to rethink the calculations a few times. But when I realized that this is in fact the truth, I was feeling much better about my greatest accomplishment. four in six. I've been reminding myself of this every time I have another "overwhelmed" moment.
Proof that homeschooling has gone on (with new (vintage) desks from a friend!):
Proof that we had snow (at least once) in Virginia:
Proof that aunts send the craziest little outfits in the mail (look at the first picture to see more of this zany little thing):
Analee loves it when her sister lies in her bed.
Update on Faustina: Everyone still adores her. Really, that's all that's important. She's doing well, growing fine and has not had any health problems thus far. I think she's starting to try to smile and coo. At least that's what I take for a grunt and a curve of the lip. I'll take what I can get.
Thank you for all the comments and love from the previous post! I'm experiencing my first 24 hours without my husband and I'm going a little crazy over here. I either need bedtime to happen right this minute or something to distract me. Thank God for a good friend who brought dinner or the kids would have had whatever I could find at the bottom of my freezer. The thought of taking all four kids to the grocery store is extremely frighting. For now, we're at the mercy of friends and leftovers.
Some of you asked about my thoughts on my home birth and if I would do it again. I would definitely do it again and I don't think my husband would have it any other way! (unless it was medically necessary).
The thing that I liked the best was having my best friend- my husband- the person who I love and trust more than any other on earth, be my birthing coach from the start of labor to the end. When it was all over, I told him over and over, "I wouldn't have been able to do it without you." If you recall, it was just the two of us for 90% of the labor. The midwives came at the last hour to basically, deliver the baby and clean up. That's not ideal, but it was actually very nice for us to have that quiet time before they came to work together through the contractions alone and in the privacy of our bedroom. I will cherish the memory of that part of the labor. I even wouldn't mind doing that again. If only the whole labor could have been so serene! This would never have been possible in the hospital with nurses coming in and out, doctors checking in, etc. It was nice without the distractions.
I know a lot of people have natural births in hospitals, but I don't know if I could have done it. It's so tempting to give in to the drugs when they are practically pushed on you. So for that reason, I also liked the home birth. The midwives encourage a natural birth and help you to achieve it. I have yet to meet a nurse or even a doctor to that does this. I'm sure they are out there...somewhere.
Getting my husband over the "medical" part of home birth was the hardest part, but after he read, Husband Coached Childbirth by Dr. Bradley, he was convinced. And now that he has been spoiled rotten by the actual home birth, he's hooked. He got to sleep in his own bed, eat out of his kitchen, put his kids to bed without driving to and from the hospital, and not have to deal with embarrassing middle of the night visits from nurses. From the way he talks about it, you'd think the home birth was dream vacation!
So, yes, home birth has my vote and I would do it again if I get the opportunity. It was a cozy, intimate way to bring a baby into the world and a nice way to get away from all the annoyances of a hospital stay. I realize there are certain risks to a home birth and many people cannot have them because of complications. But with a trusted midwife and good husband and no complications, it was a good option for us.
My midwife finally arrived at about 6:20pm. As soon as she got there, I lost my zen. I don't know if it was the presence of someone else in the house that I wasn't familiar with, or if it was another transition in my labor. The pain was reaching it's high point. Another thing that didn't help was her psychotic ring tone that kept going off. If you've ever watched Kill Bill, you will know how wrong it is for a nurse midwife to have the song the female assassin whistles as she walks through the hospital dressed up as a nurse ready to kill the main character as she lies helplessly in bed. Eric and I exchanged looks of horror as we heard:
The contractions kept getting more and more unbearable and I was slightly disappointed with myself for not being able to keep my cool. I had read so much about not tensing up for contractions that I knew I was not heading down the right path. Midwife checked my cervix (the second and ONLY time in the entire pregnancy- Thank you midwives!) and I was only at 5 centimeters. She praised me, but I knew it was not good enough. When the birth assistant came, my midwife met her at the door and unknown to me, said she had plenty of time to get things together since I was only at 5. It's a good thing I didn't hear that!
While she was out of the room, I prayed for a quick resolution to this labor since I was reaching the end of my wits. I started making noises that I didn't think I would make while everyone told me I was doing great. Not so much, I thought. I'm losing it over here!
Eventually, I succumbed to the pain. It was unbearable. I was tense all over and couldn't relax. The contractions spilled over from one to another and there was no rest in between. My birth assistant told me to try to relax, and I desperately wanted to. She said, "You need a break between contractions, try to relax." I remember wining like a five year old child, "YES! I need a break!" I knew something needed to change- either a position change, or to sit in the hot shower, or something. I couldn't do it very much longer. I said another prayer as I lied there in my bed shaking from the tension.
Then suddenly, I felt the need to push like the most intense uncontrollable bowl movement ever. I keep telling people it was like a bowling ball moving at 50 miles an hour through my body. There was nothing I could do but push. I screamed, "I need to push!" mostly because I didn't believe it myself. The midwives had only been there for an hour (my birth assistant is also a midwife). I didn't think they would let me push- not like I could do anything about it! Eric didn't think it was time for me to push either. "BREATH SARAH, BREATH!" was his response. So I breathed, then I pushed. I screamed, "I'm PUSHING!" again, to my astonishment because was surely, it couldn't be time. The midwife was still not in the room at this time. She was on the phone- not believing me, I guess.
After the second push, the birth assistant called for the midwife to get in here, right away! My husband recounts this part with hilarity. There was a tone of urgency and bewilderment in her voice. No one believed that I was actually pushing the baby out only about 45 minutes after having my cervix checked at 5 centimeters. So she calmly told me in voice like you talk to a small child "sometimes it feels like you need to push, but the cervix is not quite ready". The next contraction came and again, there was nothing I could do but scream and say "I'M PUSHING!" They finally believed me and ripped my pants off. The baby's head was crowning.
The next contraction, her head was out. The cord was wrapped around her head and the midwife told me to push her out. All this time, I had been pushing involuntarily with the contractions, and I knew another one was only a few seconds away. I knew the baby could wait a couple more seconds, so for the next contraction, I pushed her out. It was 7:17pm. My water hadn't broke, so the midwife pulled the water sack off her head and unwrapped the cord. She was perfectly healthy. She had some fluid in her lungs, but nothing to be concerned about. To my amazement, I didn't have any damage due to the fast and heavy pushing either.
The baby was placed in my arms, but I didn't have the strength to even hold her. I was completely drained. I recall with amusement the placid epidural births when the doctor would tell me to push and I calmly pushed with a smile on my face. Then afterwards, I would hold my baby and feel completely normal as if I just went for a walk in the park. This time, I lay there, shell shocked- from the adrenaline, the pain, and the exhaustion. It was my first experience of raw, unadulterated child birth. It was a good feeling and a proud moment. I also couldn't believe I just screamed that loud. The pain from pushing was more than I expected and I had been screaming at the top of my lungs; now my voice was a bit hoarse. If I had been in the hospital, I think I would have been humiliated.
After the baby was clean off and I could hold her properly, she latched on and was breastfeeding fine. I caught sight of her eyes and they looked very different- almond shaped. The birth assistant came in and asked if I had any questions. I knew what she meant. "Do you think she has Down Syndrome?" She nodded and walked over. "Yes, she is very, very special", she said. I wasn't disappointed, just surprised.
Earlier in the pregnancy, an ultrasound showed a spot on her heart, which is a marker for Downs. Since she had no other problems, and I'm only 31 with my husband even younger, no one thought much of it. She was given a 1% chance. Who ever thinks they will be the one who gets the 1%? Looking back, I'm glad were given the heads up. It was the chance we needed to mull the idea over in our heads and come to terms with it- IF it would ever happen- which we didn't think would.
So when Eric came back in the room to see the baby, I told him she has Downs Syndrome. He took it very well. I don't remember exactly what he said, but he told the story of his friend's brother who had Downs and almost killed him with a bear hug. He only saw it as a blessing and still does. Of course, we are nervous about the unknown. The thought of her going through any pain is hard for us, but fortunately, she doesn't have any health problems that we know of. Her heart appears to be functioning well, as is everything else about her. Her muscle tone is a little low, but that's it. She is a very low-key baby. She sleeps more than my other babies and only cries when she's hungry. I tell people she's TOO good!
After the birth, Eric went to get the kids and Ginny came over to make us food. While we ate our dinner, the midwife did all the newborn measurements on the bed with me while the kids watched. It was such a peaceful and happy time. We were filled with so much gratitude for a good birth and a healthy baby. The children couldn't stop smiling at their baby sister either.
Afterward, Eric put the kids to bed and the midwives and Ginny hung out in the kitchen eating and talking while finishing up last minute things. Eric's parents drove into the driveway at 11:00pm, just as everyone else was walking out. They talked for awhile in the other room before going to bed at midnight. I was left alone in the bedroom all this time with my baby. Too exhausted to move and too exhausted to sleep. I had so much on my mind. I think I only got a couple hours of sleep even though the baby slept very well.
I feel very blessed to have such a special baby. One of the first things Eric said about her having Downs is that she is going to help us get to heaven. I said, "Yeah, it's going to be pretty hard to screw this one up!" If there's anything we knew about people with Downs is that they keep their beautiful, child-like innocence all their lives. We both felt from the beginning that she was given to us as a wonderful gift from God. How else do you explain the surprise, but anything but being chosen for a special purpose? I admit to being completely naive about what it's going to take to raise this special child, but for right now, I want to keep it that way. We will take the challenges as they come. It's all in God's hands- her life and ours. No one knows what the future brings, but for those that trust in the Lord, He will be their strength.
Faustina's foot while being weighed. photo courtesy of Ginny
This birth was to be a lot of firsts for us. After being stuck in the hospital for three days before my last baby came for a scheduled delivery, my husband and I were ready for a change of scenery this time around. Despite the fact that I've always wanted to have a natural birth, for my hospital births, somehow I've ended up being hooked up to IV's, pumped full of pitocin, stuck to an obnoxious baby monitor that threatened me with every dip of the baby's heart beat to have this baby or have a c-section that I knew I didn't need and had my cervix checked more often than I cared. That's not natural- not a natural setting, not a natural feeling and just plain uncomfortable. This time I was ready for the "hand's off" approach, even if it meant I couldn't have an epidural. I've always had epidurals even though I tried not to. I would go as long as I could without one, but I would cave at the end when my cervix was going no where and the baby's heart rate was going down.
I'm not going to lie, if it weren't for all my cool friends around here having babies at home, I don't think I would ever think about. Thankfully, they all went through it first and had tons of great advice. Having a baby at home was so different on a few different levels. First, you have get so much ready at home for the baby and midwives. I spent an entire week cleaning and organizing my house. It's never been so clean! Second, there is different level of responsibility the midwives give you vs. the obstetrician. In many ways, I felt more in charge of this birth than ever before. From being in charge of my own charts in the office to making all decisions about the birth, to being responsible for the supplies- surprisingly, I liked it better this way. I don't know if I would have liked it for the first, or even second birth when I didn't know what to expect. But this time, the doctors and nurses weren't having this baby- my husband and I were. The midwives were along for the ride.
Now on to the birth. I started contracting on Tuesday morning at 4:00am. They started off good- about 10 minutes apart. I called my husband who was at work. He was more than happy to come home early. We spent the day preparing for a possible birth that day, but then the contractions slowed way down. We ended up running errands, doing last minute cleaning and driving around to see Christmas lights with the kids. It was a nice way to spend a day before the baby came. I had checked off everything I wanted to get done before the baby came and now I could relax.
I have to say there is something about being mentally prepared to have your baby. With my other births, I've always gone 10 days over- the longest time the obstetricians will let you before being induced. This time, I only went three days over and it was the first time I didn't need an induction. I was surprised it actually happened on it's own this time. I attribute it to being able to mentally welcome the whole birth experience- pain and all. Letting go of the fear and anxiety of child birth was only made possible by all the reading up I did on natural birthing. The reading material led me to believe I could have a good birthing experience by welcoming contractions instead of dreading them. This was mostly true... there's a point, however, that no matter how much relaxing you do, the pain finds you and takes over. It's all good though. Having something to offer up is helpful at this point!
For me, being spiritually prepared is essential for giving birth. I like praying the Chaplet of the Seven Sorrows of Mary with the meditations from Immaculee's Our Lady of Kibeho. It's the third time I prayed it while in labor and it always gives me the right mind set for making the pain a spiritual offering. This time, I prayed for the conversion of family members. We received word that one person in our family (whom we were unsure of) went to confession two days after the baby was born. I don't know if it's related, but we thanked God for the sign of hope that was given.
Back to the birth...The next morning was Wednesday 12/12/12, the contractions started strong again at 3:30am. This time, they didn't go away as soon as I got up and I was sure this would be the day. We sent the kids off to my friend's house continued to make last minute preparations- finding the perfect music and getting the bedroom ready with the bed sheets put on the right way, so that after the birth, there would be clean sheets ready to go.
When it was about 1:30, the contractions started slowing down again- from 10 minutes apart to 15 minutes apart and they were weakening. We decided to pick up the kids again. The plan was to have dinner at home, put the kids to bed and maybe have the baby the following day. But as soon as the kids got home, things picked up again! My two year old was crawling on me when I had a huge contraction. I yelled for Eric to take the kids away and he brought them to another friend's house.
While he was gone, I called the midwives and told them the labor was picking up and to think about coming down soon. 15 minutes later, I called again and told them they better head down. Things were picking up faster than I thought. That was at 4:00pm and rush hour was at its worst. It would take them at least two hours to get to Fredericksburg from D.C. I prayed they would make it on time.
For the next hour and a half, Eric and I worked through the contractions with Yanni and whatever other cheesy new age music Pandora could find. It's not my typical listening choice, but it was good for relaxing. I laid on the bed on my side with the lights off and Eric massaged my back the entire time. I wouldn't let him leave for a minute. I was working hard to stay in my zen and I knew the minute he left, I would lose it. From all the birthing books and advice we learned, to have a successful natural birth, relaxation is the key. Eric recited some hypno birthing relaxation scripts, which were somewhat useful. I knew I wasn't going to be able to enter any sort of state of hypnosis, but at least I could try to use them to relax. So he talked about rainbow colored mists and opening flowers while putting pressure on my lower back to counteract the pressure from the contractions that were getting stronger and stronger. Now they were only a minute or two apart.
Hello and welcome to my blog! I am a Catholic wife and mother to four kids. I have been making clay rosaries for 15 years now. Here's my space for writing about about my life as a wife, mother, and Catholic rosary/bead maker. You can purchase my clay rosaries at: www.clayrosaries.com. Thanks for stopping by!
